If marriage came with a manual, listening to experienced married people would be on the first pages. The women who have cultivated their marriages for years, through seasons of abundance and periods of drought, have wisdom to share. They have seen it all and understand that a strong partnership is built on teamwork, not saying everything that is on your mind, and not getting mad over the broken towel ring that you were promised would be fixed when Reagan was president.
A successful marriage, much like a thriving garden, requires constant care, attention, and protection from external pressures. I don’t know anyone who gets into marriage hoping it’ll fail. What then makes a marriage stand?
Here are 16 solid pieces of advice from women who know what it takes to grow a love that lasts a lifetime.
1. You Work Together, Not Against Each Other
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A marriage is a partnership. You are on the same team, facing life’s challenges side by side. When disagreements arise, it is not you versus your partner. It is both of you against the problem. This mindset shift is fundamental to navigating conflicts constructively and maintaining a strong, united front.
Why It’s Good Advice: Viewing your partner as an opponent creates division and resentment. Working as a team fosters collaboration, reinforces your bond, and makes you more effective at solving problems. It ensures that even during disagreements, the foundation of your relationship remains secure.
Actionable Tip: The next time a conflict surfaces, pause and say, “We’re on the same team. How can we solve this together?” This simple phrase can reframe the entire conversation from a battle into a strategy session.
2. A Marriage Certificate Does Not Fix Relationship Issues
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Walking down the aisle is a beginning, not a magic cure. Any unresolved problems you have before getting married will follow you into the marriage. In fact, the added pressures of married life can often magnify existing issues. A wedding is a celebration of your commitment, but the real work of building a life together happens every day after.
Why It’s Good Advice: This is a crucial reality check. Believing that marriage will automatically solve deep-seated problems like communication breakdowns, trust issues, or financial irresponsibility is a recipe for disappointment. Addressing these issues beforehand is essential for a healthy start.
Actionable Tip: Before getting married, consider premarital counseling or have open conversations about existing challenges. Create a plan to work on them together, just as you would prepare the soil before planting new seeds.
3. You Cannot Fundamentally Change a Person
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Your partner will grow and evolve, but their core personality, values, and character are unlikely to change. Marrying someone with the expectation of changing them is a common pitfall. If you see fundamental traits that you cannot live with, such as dishonesty or a lack of empathy, you must believe what they are showing you.
Why It’s Good Advice: Attempting to change someone leads to frustration for both partners. It communicates that you do not accept your partner for who they are, which can erode their self-esteem and your relationship. True partnership is about accepting and loving someone for their authentic self.
Actionable Tip: Take an honest look at your partner’s core traits. Ask yourself: “If this person never changes this specific behavior, can I still build a happy life with them?” The answer will tell you a lot.
4. It Is Okay to Go to Bed Angry
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The old advice to “never go to bed angry” is not always practical. Forcing a resolution when you are tired, hungry, or emotionally overwhelmed can lead to saying things you do not mean. Sometimes, the most productive thing you can do is pause the discussion, get some rest, and revisit the issue with a clear head in the morning.
Why It’s Good Advice: Sleep and space provide perspective. A problem that feels immense at midnight can seem much more manageable in the light of day. This approach prioritizes finding a good solution over finding a fast one.
Actionable Tip: Create a rule for arguments that run late. Agree to table any discussion after a certain time, like 10 p.m. Make a pact to come back to it the next day when you are both rested and better equipped to communicate effectively.
5. You Need Full Financial Transparency
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You and your partner should have a complete understanding of each other’s financial situations. This includes debts, assets, income, and spending habits. While you do not have to merge all your accounts, you must be open about money. Financial secrets can create massive breaches of trust and long-term instability.
Why It’s Good Advice: Money is a leading cause of stress and conflict in marriages. Transparency builds trust and allows you to plan for your future as a team. Knowing where you both stand financially helps you make informed decisions about your shared life.
Actionable Tip: Schedule a “financial date night.” Lay everything out on the table: bank statements, credit card bills, and student loan information. Discuss your financial goals and create a budget that works for both of you.
6. Establish Boundaries with In-laws
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Your families of origin play a role in your life, but your primary loyalty is to your new family unit: you and your spouse. It is critical to establish clear boundaries with in-laws to protect your relationship. This means your partner must be prepared to stand with you and present a united front, even when it is difficult.
Why It’s Good Advice: Without boundaries, in-laws can inadvertently or intentionally cause rifts in your marriage. When your partner prioritizes your relationship and supports the boundaries you set together, it strengthens your bond and protects your partnership from outside interference.
Actionable Tip: Discuss your expectations for family involvement with your partner. Decide together what is acceptable regarding visits, financial help, and advice. Your partner should be the one to communicate these boundaries to their own family.
7. A Marriage Is Not Always 50-50
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The idea of a perfectly balanced partnership is a myth. Life is unpredictable. There will be times when one partner is facing a challenge, like an illness, job loss, or family crisis, and can only give 20 percent. In those moments, the other partner must be willing to give 80 percent. The balance shifts back and forth over a lifetime.
Why It’s Good Advice: This concept fosters empathy and mutual support. Keeping a running tally of who does what creates resentment. Understanding that you are there to carry each other through difficult seasons builds a resilient and compassionate partnership.
Actionable Tip: When you notice your partner is struggling, ask, “What can I take off your plate?” This demonstrates your willingness to step up and support them when they need it most, reinforcing that you are in this together.
8. Observe How They Handle Anger and Frustration
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Pay close attention to how your partner reacts when they are angry, frustrated, or under extreme stress. Do they become verbally aggressive? Do they shut down and refuse to communicate? Do they blame others? How a person behaves in their worst moments reveals a great deal about their character.
Why It’s Good Advice: Everyone gets angry. What matters is how they manage that anger. Unhealthy expressions of anger, like yelling or name-calling, are red flags. A partner who can handle frustration with maturity and respect is a partner you can feel safe with.
Actionable Tip: Before marriage, navigate a stressful situation together, like a delayed flight or a difficult home repair project. Observing how they handle the pressure will give you valuable insight into their conflict-resolution style.
9. Discuss Expectations About Married Life
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People often carry subconscious beliefs about what a “husband” or “wife” should be, shaped by their upbringing and society. These unspoken expectations can cause serious conflict after the wedding. One person might assume household chores will be divided a certain way, while the other has a completely different idea.
Why It’s Good Advice: Having explicit conversations about roles and expectations prevents misunderstandings and resentment. It allows you to consciously design a partnership that works for both of you, rather than falling into traditional roles that may not fit.
Actionable Tip: Have a frank discussion about your expectations. Ask questions like: “What does a typical weekend look like for us in five years?” and “How do we envision dividing household labor and childcare?”
10. Make Time for Shared Rituals and Routines
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Shared rituals and routines form a profound bedrock in any marriage. These can be as simple as a shared morning coffee in the garden, leisurely evening strolls, or weekend projects tending to a small patch of greenery. Such traditions are vital; they make you more connected and offer stability when life gets shaky.
Why It’s Good Advice: Routines and traditions remind you of your shared values and create positive memories. They act as anchors during the unpredictable seasons of life.
Actionable Tip: Identify a simple activity you both enjoy and make it a regular part of your week. This could be a Saturday breakfast together on the porch, working side by side on home improvement tasks, or planting new flowers each spring. Treat these moments as non-negotiable appointments.
11. Would You Want a Child Exactly Like Them?
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A wise grandmother once said, “Don’t marry someone unless you wouldn’t mind having a kid who’s exactly like them.” This simple test cuts to the heart of the matter. It forces you to look beyond romantic feelings and evaluate your partner’s character, integrity, and kindness.
Why It’s Good Advice: This question highlights the importance of admiring your partner’s fundamental qualities. If you love their sense of humor, their work ethic, and their compassion, you will be proud to see those traits in your child. If you have serious reservations, it may be a sign to reconsider.
Actionable Tip: Make a list of your partner’s top five character traits. Then, imagine your future child embodying those same traits. How does that make you feel?
12. Prioritize Integrity
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A person with high integrity is honest, reliable, and has strong moral principles. They take responsibility for their actions and strive to do the right thing, even when it is hard. Someone with integrity will work to change problematic behaviors that hurt others, which is vital for a healthy, evolving marriage.
Why It’s Good Advice: Integrity is the bedrock of trust. You can count on a person of integrity to be faithful, honest about finances, and a true partner. Their commitment to doing what is right provides a deep sense of security.
Actionable Tip: Observe how your partner treats others, especially in situations where they have nothing to gain. Do they treat service staff with respect? Are they honest in their business dealings? Their actions speak volumes about their integrity.
13. Sleeping in Separate Rooms Can Be Healthy
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The idea that a happy couple must sleep in the same bed every night is a myth. For many, separate bedrooms are the key to a good night’s sleep and a happier relationship. Issues like snoring, different temperature preferences, or conflicting schedules can disrupt rest and lead to daily irritability.
Why It’s Good Advice: Prioritizing quality sleep is not a sign of a failing relationship; it is a sign of a practical one. Well-rested partners are happier, healthier, and better communicators. It allows you to be your best selves for each other.
Actionable Tip: If sleep is an issue, try separate rooms for a week. Focus on making time for intimacy and connection in other ways, such as cuddling on the couch before bed or having a morning coffee routine together.
14. Continue to Have the Hard Conversations
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Discussing big topics before marriage is important, but these are not one-and-done conversations. People and circumstances change. Your feelings about having children, where to live, or career paths may evolve. Keeping these conversations alive is more important than having them just once.
Why It’s Good Advice: Ongoing communication ensures you and your partner grow together instead of apart. Regularly checking in on big questions helps you stay aligned and navigate changes as a team.
Actionable Tip: Schedule a yearly “State of the Union” retreat, even if it is just an afternoon at home. Use this time to revisit your shared goals, discuss any changes in your perspectives, and dream about the future together.
15. Marriage Will Not Complete You
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A partner can support and love you, but they cannot fill an internal void or fix your insecurities. Relying on another person for your sense of self-worth puts immense pressure on the relationship. True fulfillment comes from within. A healthy marriage is made of two whole individuals who choose to share their lives.
Why It’s Good Advice: This understanding liberates your partner from the impossible task of making you happy. It empowers you to take ownership of your own well-being, which in turn makes you a stronger, more resilient partner.
Actionable Tip: Cultivate your own interests, hobbies, and friendships outside of the relationship. Invest in your personal growth. A thriving garden is made of many different plants, each strong on its own.
16. Appreciate the Small, Everyday Acts of Love
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Grand romantic gestures are wonderful, but the foundation of a lasting marriage is built on small, daily acts of kindness and appreciation. It is the partner who brings you a cup of coffee in the morning, who handles a chore they know you dislike, or who listens intently after you have had a long day. These small moments are the soil and water that nourish your relationship.
Why It’s Good Advice: Daily acts of service and affection reinforce your love and partnership. They communicate “I see you, I value you, and I am here for you” in a tangible way. This consistent care is what sustains a relationship through the years.
Actionable Tip: Make a conscious effort to do one small, thoughtful thing for your partner each day. Equally important, notice and verbally appreciate the small things they do for you. Saying “Thank you for making dinner” goes a long way.
Nurturing Your Garden of Love
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Cultivating a happy marriage shouldn’t be more complicated than growing a Boston fern. When you are operating on the same page in many things, you can grow a near-perfect marriage garden. Success in marriage means learning to live with their obsession with rockets, celebrating the unplanned child, and sometimes seeking professional help.
Choose each other daily, even when you’re mad. That’s how you don’t just survive, but truly grow a love that will move people to tears on your 50th anniversary.