In casual relationships, red flags are ideal for showing us when to consider planning our exit. Unfortunately, these bad signs may also appear later in marriage, even though at that point in the relationship, things are supposed to be built on trust, support, and mutual respect. However, specific behaviors and attitudes of a spouse can sometimes undermine these vital elements for a successful marriage.
Recognizing these red flags early can help you handle issues before they become overwhelming. Don’t be fearful if you notice these signs in yourself or your spouse. Acknowledging them is the vital first step in learning and growing to save your marriage (or getting out and getting help if you are in danger).
Does your (or a loved one’s) marriage feel a little bit off, leaving you unsure about what the next steps should be? Let’s break down these spousal red flags and understand their implications on a marriage.
1. They Make You Feel Bad About Yourself
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A spouse who constantly belittles or criticizes you can severely impact your self-esteem. This behavior might include making hurtful comments about your appearance, abilities, or worth. According to Psych Central, this is a form of emotional abuse. The constant degradation leads you to believe you’re truly inadequate.
If you notice this pattern, it’s crucial to communicate your feelings to your partner. Seeking the assistance of a counselor can help mediate these conversations and provide strategies to rebuild self-esteem. Be confident in who you are and your achievements, and don’t let negative words affect you too much.
2. They Control Your Every Move
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Controlling behavior is a significant red flag. It can manifest as monitoring your phone, dictating who you can see, or deciding how you spend your time. Such actions stem from a lack of trust and an unhealthy need for control. This behavior can distance you from friends and family and make you feel trapped.
If your spouse is clingy, close-minded, and gives conditional love, you may be dealing with a controller. Establishing boundaries and insisting on mutual respect is vital. If controlling behavior persists, professional intervention may be necessary.
3. They Don’t Argue at All
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While constant fighting is unhealthy, avoiding arguments altogether can also be problematic. It may indicate that one partner is unwilling to engage in meaningful conversations and resolve conflicts. Constructive disagreements are essential in any relationship. They enable partners to appreciate each other’s viewpoints.
Encourage open communication and express the importance of addressing issues rather than sweeping them under the rug. The key is to learn to problem-solve as a team and respectfully tackle issues, no matter how big.
4. They Complain to Others About You
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Sharing relationship problems with external parties can be damaging. It often results in biased opinions and further misunderstandings. Experts say discussing problems with others instead of addressing them with your partner can undermine trust and intimacy.
Encourage your spouse to discuss issues with you directly. If resolving issues on your own feels challenging, consider couples therapy. This offers a safe space for open and honest conversations.
5. They Shame You Openly About Things You Can’t Change
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Public shaming or mocking you for things beyond your control (such as physical traits or personal history) is a form of emotional abuse. This behavior can make you feel humiliated and powerless. Psychologists emphasize that shaming is the most damaging form of emotional abuse.
If your spouse shames you, confront this behavior head-on and explain its negative impact on your well-being. It may eventually lead to self-loathing and addictive behaviors, so professional guidance can help squash issues before they become overwhelming.
6. They Are Unwilling to Compromise
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A healthy marriage requires give and take. Very Well Mind says compromise is a pillar of a healthy relationship. A spouse who is never willing to compromise on decisions, big or small, shows a lack of respect for your needs and desires. Finding a middle ground is crucial for maintaining harmony in a relationship.
Discuss the importance of mutual decision-making. Without compromise, feelings of resentment and frustration can accumulate. Learn to cede ground in some issues, especially if they aren’t deal breakers.
7. They Ridicule The Things That Make You Happy
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A supportive spouse encourages your passions and interests. If your partner dismisses or ridicules the things you love, it can stifle your happiness and growth. Supportive behaviors from your partner are correlated with higher rates of relationship satisfaction.
Have an open conversation about your interests and the importance of mutual support. Explain why they make you happy and what kind of support you’d need. Invite them to see you engage in your fun activity; you might find they love it too.
8. They’re Abusing Substances
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Substance abuse can severely impact a marriage, leading to broken trust, financial issues, and emotional distress. Substance abuse often leads to unpredictable and reckless actions, which can disrupt and jeopardize relationships. It may also lead to financial strain and fights.
Addicts need help and support while working through their issues. If tackling the problem is overwhelming for you alone, encourage your spouse to seek professional help for their addiction. Support groups and therapy can provide necessary assistance for both partners.
9. They’re Overly Jealous
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Jealousy is natural to an extent, but excessive jealousy can be suffocating and damaging. It often leads to controlling behavior and unfounded accusations. Excessive jealousy arises from insecurity and can erode trust and intimacy.
Address insecurities openly and work together to build trust. It may seem like a sign of adoration and loyalty at first, but if they’re threatening to harm someone (or you) for unfounded reasons, you must seek help. Allow your partner to make the right decision on who they interact with without stifling them.
10. They’re Very Secretive
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A spouse who hides things or is excessively secretive about their actions and whereabouts may be a cause for concern. Transparency is crucial in building trust. Privacy is allowed to some extent, but if a spouse is hiding things from their partner, the marriage might already be on a downward spiral.
Secrecy is one of the first indications that something is not going well in the relationship. Encourage openness and honesty in your relationship. Seek an opportune time to tell your partner about the secrets you may have been harboring, and move forward with openness.
11. They’re Physically Abusive
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Physical abuse is one of the clearest signs of an unhealthy and dangerous relationship. It can range from pushing and slapping to more severe forms of violence. Physical abuse is not only damaging to your body but also leaves deep emotional scars. Physical violence in a relationship is intolerable and demands urgent action.
If you find yourself in an abusive situation, prioritize your safety and seek help immediately. Contact local authorities or domestic violence hotlines, and reach out to support networks and shelters for assistance.
12. You’re Their Entire World
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While it’s flattering to feel like the center of someone’s universe, an excessively dependent spouse can burden the relationship. When your partner relies on you for emotional and social fulfillment to the exclusion of all others, it can be overwhelming and unsustainable. A healthy relationship involves both partners having their own interests and support networks outside of each other.
Dependency can lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment. Psychologists say desperately needing to be valued by your spouse is dangerous. Encourage your spouse to cultivate hobbies, friendships, and balance in their social life. Having hobbies and platonic relationships outside of each other can strengthen your bond and improve individual happiness.
13. They’re Always Gaslighting You
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Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where your partner makes you question your own reality, memories, or perceptions. This form of emotional abuse is incredibly damaging because it can erode your self-confidence and lead you to doubt your sanity. It makes the victim feel confused, insecure, and dependent on the abuser’s version of events.
Recognize the signs of gaslighting and trust your feelings and experiences. Keep a journal of incidents if needed. Seek the support of friends, family, or a therapist to reinforce your perspective and regain confidence.
14. They Display No Empathy
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Empathy is the cornerstone of a compassionate and understanding relationship. When a spouse shows no empathy, they fail to appreciate or consider your feelings, potentially leading to emotional disconnection and loneliness.
This lack of understanding and support can make it difficult to resolve conflicts or feel valued in the relationship. Talk openly about the impact of their apathy and encourage the development of empathetic skills.
15. They’re Unavailable (In More Ways than One)
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The emotional or physical unavailability of a partner can create a significant strain on a marriage. A spouse who is frequently absent, preoccupied, or emotionally detached can leave you feeling neglected and unimportant. This unavailability can stem from work commitments, personal issues, or a lack of interest in the relationship.
Address the issue directly by expressing your need for attention and connection. Encourage your partner to balance their commitments more effectively and consider counseling to work through any underlying issues contributing to their unavailability.
